Fit in?

I have always been one of those people who doesn't really fit in anywhere, due more to my refusal than my inability to fit a mould. I don't want to be the same as anyone else, I don't want to look like everyone else, I don't want to BE like everyone else. But, at least secretly, I do want to be accepted in other situations other than those involving my friends.

I primary school I had a few friends. It was here I met my best friend Leah (and, as you know we are still best friends to this day). But to be honest I don't remember a whole hell of a lot. Just Leah and a couple of others who I still speak to, I have a lot of my primary school friends on my facebook and it's nice to catch up from time to time.

High school was different, Leah wasn't with me, having gone to another school, I was alternative (gothy punky undecided), so therefore didn't really fit in anywhere. I went from group to group, until finally, in year 10 or 11 I found a group of friends who accepted me for who I am. Strangely enough we were all different, to the "norm" and to each other. We were really the stragglers that didn't fit anywhere else but it made for some very strong friendships that to this day still exist. I still talk to these friends, via facebook and other social networking sites and some of them I see in person from time to time. We can always look back and know that those memories we forged in that time where good ones.

Out of school I wouldn't say I had better friends, just different ones. Friends that dressed similar to me, friends that liked the same music and the same lifestyle. Even here I had two groups of friends. One set were a group from another school and the others were a miss-match of kids from all different schools and colleges that went to the same club on a Friday night and shared a lot of common interests. Chris was in this group, and so were a lot of my current friends, so I think it is safe to say that these were amongst the stronger friendships I have ever made and we have been through a lot together!

When we outgrew the club (ie we were able to go to a pub and drink legally) we all moved on to the pub where I worked before being made redundant. Obviously I drank there before I worked there, Chris had a job there too and that is what cemented our relationship. I made other friends whilst drinking, socialising and working there. It was a good time in my life, before I got really ill.

Now this entry is all about me not fitting in, but so far all I have done is tell you where I do fit in, a bit contradictory really. But when you consider what else I have done with my life and that these are the only places I have felt that I fitted in, it all makes sense. I am shy when you first meet me and then I'm the complete opposite. I talk FAR too much, FAR too quickly and sometimes (so I'm told) far too loudly. I have strong morals, I am very passionate and very opinionated. I am brilliant at sticking up for other people but rubbish at sticking up for myself. I give good advice but I can never take my own and I put EVERYBODY before myself (not always a good thing!). I've always felt that people find me a little odd or perhaps strange. But would rather be accepted for who I am than put on a show, never understood the point in that!

I have done two degrees and never fitted in socially with anyone from my peer groups. Maybe it's the "goth" thing or maybe it's the "disabled" thing, I don't know why but apparently it is difficult for me.

The M.E and added equipment (ie the wheelchair) hasn't really helped with this. Especially when I was walking some days and on wheels the next. People look at you with pity, or they tiptoe around you, or they avoid you, there is only a rare few that actually ask you if you're ok or what's wrong. I think I find it harder to fit in since I got ill, and not simply because there are fewer opportunities, but for a couple of other reasons. Firstly the stigma attached to the illness, and the fact that almost everyone seems to know someone that has "recovered" from M.E. When I simply don't believe you can, if you have M.E I think you will always have it to some degree but I may be wrong. Most people tend to have something you can "try" as well, like I haven't tried it all already, I know they are only trying to help, but seriously I have had this disease for possibly up to 11 years now, there is unlikely to be anything that anyone can suggest that I haven't already tried! The second occurs after you have got over that initial hurdle. I barely go out, I don't like people seeing me really ill and M.E takes a lot of dedication to understand and very few people actually manage it.

Sometimes people seem to believe that me not going out or having to leave not long after I have arrived is a choice. It's not. Who would choose to remain in the same four walls, day after day, after day, after, day. No one. Who would choose to leave a meal before eating, even though they were enjoying themselves. No one. I am a really social person and not being able to go out to friends birthday do's or to other important events does really upset me. All this doesn't really go a long way to social acceptance.

Having sat here however, after spending the morning wondering if I will fit in with the other mums at Niamh's toddler group (I'm still going regardless lol) I have realised that I don't really care. I haven't ever really fitted in, mainly because I refuse to act like everyone else or change myself to fit in. To me individuality is important, you are who you are, you were made that way and you should be that way. You can wear what you like you don't have to follow fashion (I mix a lot of different things together, although I am currently rocking the "sensitive skin only baggy crap" look!). You can act how you like (as long as you don't break any laws or hurt any body). Listen to what you want, read what you want, watch what you want, write what you want. You should never change yourself to fit someone's stereotype. This is the lesson I have learnt in my life. I am who I am, take it or leave it. The friends that I have and the people I have fit in with are those who love me for who I am.  Social casualty that I am, I wouldn't have it any other way.