Scary times!

Yesterday one of my neighbours asked me if I had noticed anything in the communal area downstairs. We have a unlocked door where the post boxes are kept, which is basically a very small room before the security door that does lock. I had noticed that it smelt of stale cigarette smoke and there was a wine glass but to be honest that would be pretty easily explainable, but was odd. Turns out she had seen 3 people sleeping there on 2 separate occasions. The first was a man in a sleeping bag with a bike, and the second was a couple. The woman was shaking, bleeding and rocking back and forth and the man appeared to be about to do drugs until my neighbour interrupted them. FREAKY!

The guy sleeping with the bike, didn't concern me too much as he didn't seem to be too much of a threat. But the couple, it was quite creepy and has annoyed and concerned me. Niamh's bedroom is directly above it, and if there are people in there then they are probably waking her up which would explain her run of disturbed nights. But you can hear everything through that baby monitor so I don't know if they are disturbing her because surely we would hear it?

There's not a whole hell of a lot we can do. I phoned my sister and asked her what to do about as she works for the police and she said that its more the management company for the block of flats that we need to contact, and put pressure on them to put the lock on the external door not the internal door. If we see them in there to call the police and they will come and move them on (when they can) it then becomes a higher priority every time we have to call them.

I'm very torn, between feeling sorry for them and being cross. I know how cold it is out there and how horrible it must be to be homeless, and if they don't pose a threat and they weren't going to have a mental alcoholic/drug induced breakdown in my foyer I wouldn't mind. But this couple left stale fag smoke, a wine glass and even blood on the wall, clearly not the most innocent of people, and I would class them as threat. Unpredictable if clearly off their heads on booze or drugs. What happens if one day someone leaves that communal door unlocked and they can get through into the halls, they could easily break into ours. If it was me and Chris only I wouldn't be nearly as concerned, but having Niamh makes me all protective! Seriously if I see them again there will be trouble (well of course that is mainly if I can make it down the stairs!).

Does anyone have manners anymore?

I am fuming over something that happened this morning, and I thought I would have calmed down by now, but clearly not! So I thought I would write about it, I find it helps me.

Niamh couldn't go to tumble tots on Monday because she hadn't been 48 hours clear of the d and v bug she had so as mum was off we decided to take her today to a morning class at another venue. She had a good time, although she is currently in the stage where the equipment at gym babes is a bit little for her and the equipment at tumble tots is a bit big for her, it's just about getting used to it (and maybe growing a little bit).

She was playing with some bean bags with some other children and this little boy grabbed her head practically strangling her and then scraped his hands down her face, leaving red marks and scratches. Now although I didn't like seeing Niamh get hurt, kids will be kids and at this young age they are still learning so stuff like that is bound to happen, in fact no doubt Niamh will accidentally hurt someone or pull their hair or something. I would be mortified and feel so, so bad and say sorry more times than you could count. In fact Niamh has accidentally hurt other children and gym babes and other children have accidentally hurt her, I have said sorry to the mum and no to Niamh and vice versa. But the way this boy went for Niamh was REALLY violent, especially for a boy that was 2 or barely older. What pisses me off the most is that his mum didn't even apologise for what he did, nor did she try and tell him it was wrong. IT IS SO RUDE. That really, really annoyed me.

I should have said something, but I didn't want to show Niamh up (sounds silly really doesn't it). Besides "Sorry but your son just tried to pull off my daughters head, think an apology might be in order, if not from him, then from you maybe? You stuck up old bag?" or perhaps "Don't you think that if your son attacks another child with that amount of violence you should maybe tell him that it's not a nice thing to do, if he does that as a teenager or an adult it would probably be assault, suppose you would just tell the police that it's a perfectly fine thing to do, you delusional stuck up cow!" would possibly make the point but not give everyone a good impression of me. I'm not good at controlling my mouth once I open it, so mostly, unless I have a whole hell of a lot of time to think about exactly what I am going to say then I don't bother to confront people. I never word it the way I should, like constructive criticism, more like an endless insulting rant from the part of my brain that never shuts off.

I wasn't really up to taking Niamh round for the whole session so my mum did most of it, which gave me the chance to sit back and watch. This child being violent didn't seem to be a one-off, the other children and parents were defiantly avoiding him and I made sure Niamh did so too (like the plague) for the rest of the session. His mum kept looking at me, honestly all it would have taken was an apology, stupid cow. She had NO control over him, whatsoever. Having watched them for a while it occurred to me (from the way he was acting) that he might be autistic, and this would go someway to explaining what he did (so would his age) and maybe the level of violence he did it with. But it DOES NOT excuse his MOTHER'S complete lack of manners or concern for what her son had just done to my daughter. I also don't think it excuses the fact that she didn't even bother to explain to him that what he had done was wrong, I know that autistic children take longer to teach and learn but that doesn't mean that you should not bother to attempt it! The word no, never even came out of her mouth, not once, ARGH it just annoys me so much! Needless to say that I won't be taking her back to that class, ever. She will be going to her Monday one from now on!

I think that I am pretty lenient with Niamh. I have decided I don't want to smack her because I think it does instil a violent nature to an extent. I was smacked, never hard, and I'm not violent but I will admit that if someone annoys me the first thing I really want to do is slap them and sometimes I do (normally in a jokey fashion) but if I am completely honest I don't want Niamh to have that same instinctual reaction. So I am currently researching other methods of discipline. I have found that at the moment she can't understand that her actions have consequences so punishment is completely ineffective, so you should tell them no, tell them why and distract them with something else. This is what I do with Niamh, for now at least. To be honest it is massively repetitive but eventually she gets the point. So, if the situation was reversed I would have firstly, apologised to the mother and checked the other child was ok, and said sorry to him/her myself. I would then have taken Niamh to one side and (after telling her no when she did it) said something along the lines of "no, we do not hurt (scratch/grab/hit/pull) people, because it is not nice to hurt others you don't like getting hurt do you". This woman did nothing, nothing at all, just glared at me and carried on playing with her violent child.

Right sorry, rant over, but I really do think that there is a severe lack of manners in today's society!

I hate winter

I have hated winter for a long time, I have SAD's (seasonal affective disorder) so always get low, down and grumpy in the winter. Since having M.E I've hated it more as my immune system doesn't function like everyone else's and I catch everything going round normally more than once and a few times worse than the person who gave it to me! Not to mention being in the wheelchair is flipping freezing! Now I have Niamh, I don't think I could manage to hate it any more!

It seems that Niamh isn't the only child ill at the moment, it is everywhere! It's not the same thing either, nearly everyone I know who has children has a least one ill child. Niamh has a sickness, diarrhoea and ears, nose and throat bug and I've only managed to catch the ears, nose and throat part of it. But seriously over 90% of the parents on my facebook account are updating with issues because of sick little ones! It makes me sad.

I hate how I can't be the mum I want to be. I stand a fighting chance in almost every other season of the year, as long as I am not down and ill on top of my usual. Then I can care for Niamh in the way I want, play with her in the ways I want and keep the house in the state that I like. Winter just makes me moody and more exhausted than usual. Then the chances are Niamh will catch everything going round and I'm not going to keep her away from tumble tots or playgroup otherwise she will never have any social interaction with other children and she will never build up an immune system. The stress and worry of Niamh getting ill only makes my conditions worse. Even if she is not that ill, as a mother you still worry and that makes most of my M.E and fibro symptoms flare. Then you have to add in the case that I will more likely than not, catch whatever it is she has and become completely useless!

Then I have to rely on Chris and my family, and I am so lucky that they are so supportive of me and that Chris's work is so understanding of the situation. In the most recent bout of illness Chris has had to have two days off work because I couldn't manage by myself. Since then my dad has been round all day everyday (well at least whilst Chris is at work) and my parents have been taking my washing home to do (with Niamh leaking at both ends, it is a lot of washing!). I totally appreciate how wonderful they all are and everything they do for me but I want to be able to do it all myself. Guess that's never going to happen! At least it can be my family helping me not careers or someone I don't know. For that I am thankful.

But yeah, winter sucks. Roll on spring!

Sneaky, sneaky!

Wow, what to talk about today. Brain fog! Mind block! There is a list of things that have pissed me off in the past 24 hours, none of them are really of any interest to anyone else lol! So, after trudging through twitter, facebook and other sites for inspiration and coming up blank I thought I would just sit here (well, lay here) and write and see what came out! Probably beyond boring!

The big story today, that you obviously can't get away from is that Whitney Houston died. It sad, yes, she was a very talented individual but it seems that Hollywood has simply claimed another.  I don't want seem insensitive, as clearly I have no idea about the pressures of fame, but it's obvious that a lot of those in tinsel town merely cave. To the pressures of the system, to the pull of alcohol and drugs, to the need to fit in, be thin, eating disorders and pyscological issues. I'm not saying it's a choice, it isn't always, but sometimes, sometimes it is. What does it matter how she died? Is it truly any of our business? She was a talented woman that changed the musical course of a decade or two, she deserved to be remembered for that. Not how she died. She is a woman, with people who loved her, and a child. They deserve to be allowed to morn her loss in peace, without the public stigmatising it. Just saying. I don't know enough about the late Miss Houston to make an entire entry out of it, that wouldn't be fair and, from what I have read today, would not do her any justice either.

So, other things that I could talk about today. One big one has just hit me, and although it is quite M.E related it is more to do with my personality, the worse points. I made myself quite ill last night, trying to do far too much, to the point where I had to get Chris to come home from work early for fear I might pass out, not too bad if I was alone but there would have been no one to look after Niamh (I used to pass out a lot before I had Niamh, so it's not a new experience). But today I was supposed to be resting, and, in my defence I did, for the most part. The problem with me is I cannot just let things sit. I'm one of those people that gets things done before I sit down and relax. Chris making me sit down before the washing up was done was almost painful.... so.... I sat on my perch and did the washing up (thinking I was being all sneaky) and I turned around and Chris is standing there!!! Busted!!! I got told off and (other than putting Niamh to bed) haven't moved off the sofa since! I know that I should be careful because of my health but at the same time, my view is Chris knows how anal I am when it comes to cleaning. He wants me to sit down he needs to do it straight away otherwise I am going to get all sneaky and try and do it! Most people would be more than happy for their wife to just get on with it. So I have to be thankful in many ways, Chris does A LOT for me (and obviously Niamh) so maybe I should listen more. Sigh. I'll try and behave myself!

Having a nice evening with Chris, got to dance and a glass of wine. Think I might have a bath later if Chris is not too busy to help me in and out (embarrassing). Relaxing night please!

Night all!

The above, is particularly true in relation for my last few days.

Fit in?

I have always been one of those people who doesn't really fit in anywhere, due more to my refusal than my inability to fit a mould. I don't want to be the same as anyone else, I don't want to look like everyone else, I don't want to BE like everyone else. But, at least secretly, I do want to be accepted in other situations other than those involving my friends.

I primary school I had a few friends. It was here I met my best friend Leah (and, as you know we are still best friends to this day). But to be honest I don't remember a whole hell of a lot. Just Leah and a couple of others who I still speak to, I have a lot of my primary school friends on my facebook and it's nice to catch up from time to time.

High school was different, Leah wasn't with me, having gone to another school, I was alternative (gothy punky undecided), so therefore didn't really fit in anywhere. I went from group to group, until finally, in year 10 or 11 I found a group of friends who accepted me for who I am. Strangely enough we were all different, to the "norm" and to each other. We were really the stragglers that didn't fit anywhere else but it made for some very strong friendships that to this day still exist. I still talk to these friends, via facebook and other social networking sites and some of them I see in person from time to time. We can always look back and know that those memories we forged in that time where good ones.

Out of school I wouldn't say I had better friends, just different ones. Friends that dressed similar to me, friends that liked the same music and the same lifestyle. Even here I had two groups of friends. One set were a group from another school and the others were a miss-match of kids from all different schools and colleges that went to the same club on a Friday night and shared a lot of common interests. Chris was in this group, and so were a lot of my current friends, so I think it is safe to say that these were amongst the stronger friendships I have ever made and we have been through a lot together!

When we outgrew the club (ie we were able to go to a pub and drink legally) we all moved on to the pub where I worked before being made redundant. Obviously I drank there before I worked there, Chris had a job there too and that is what cemented our relationship. I made other friends whilst drinking, socialising and working there. It was a good time in my life, before I got really ill.

Now this entry is all about me not fitting in, but so far all I have done is tell you where I do fit in, a bit contradictory really. But when you consider what else I have done with my life and that these are the only places I have felt that I fitted in, it all makes sense. I am shy when you first meet me and then I'm the complete opposite. I talk FAR too much, FAR too quickly and sometimes (so I'm told) far too loudly. I have strong morals, I am very passionate and very opinionated. I am brilliant at sticking up for other people but rubbish at sticking up for myself. I give good advice but I can never take my own and I put EVERYBODY before myself (not always a good thing!). I've always felt that people find me a little odd or perhaps strange. But would rather be accepted for who I am than put on a show, never understood the point in that!

I have done two degrees and never fitted in socially with anyone from my peer groups. Maybe it's the "goth" thing or maybe it's the "disabled" thing, I don't know why but apparently it is difficult for me.

The M.E and added equipment (ie the wheelchair) hasn't really helped with this. Especially when I was walking some days and on wheels the next. People look at you with pity, or they tiptoe around you, or they avoid you, there is only a rare few that actually ask you if you're ok or what's wrong. I think I find it harder to fit in since I got ill, and not simply because there are fewer opportunities, but for a couple of other reasons. Firstly the stigma attached to the illness, and the fact that almost everyone seems to know someone that has "recovered" from M.E. When I simply don't believe you can, if you have M.E I think you will always have it to some degree but I may be wrong. Most people tend to have something you can "try" as well, like I haven't tried it all already, I know they are only trying to help, but seriously I have had this disease for possibly up to 11 years now, there is unlikely to be anything that anyone can suggest that I haven't already tried! The second occurs after you have got over that initial hurdle. I barely go out, I don't like people seeing me really ill and M.E takes a lot of dedication to understand and very few people actually manage it.

Sometimes people seem to believe that me not going out or having to leave not long after I have arrived is a choice. It's not. Who would choose to remain in the same four walls, day after day, after day, after, day. No one. Who would choose to leave a meal before eating, even though they were enjoying themselves. No one. I am a really social person and not being able to go out to friends birthday do's or to other important events does really upset me. All this doesn't really go a long way to social acceptance.

Having sat here however, after spending the morning wondering if I will fit in with the other mums at Niamh's toddler group (I'm still going regardless lol) I have realised that I don't really care. I haven't ever really fitted in, mainly because I refuse to act like everyone else or change myself to fit in. To me individuality is important, you are who you are, you were made that way and you should be that way. You can wear what you like you don't have to follow fashion (I mix a lot of different things together, although I am currently rocking the "sensitive skin only baggy crap" look!). You can act how you like (as long as you don't break any laws or hurt any body). Listen to what you want, read what you want, watch what you want, write what you want. You should never change yourself to fit someone's stereotype. This is the lesson I have learnt in my life. I am who I am, take it or leave it. The friends that I have and the people I have fit in with are those who love me for who I am.  Social casualty that I am, I wouldn't have it any other way.

Missing Midwifery

I just managed to catch up with last night's "one born every minute" (OBEM) man that was hard to watch. It's odd that this program makes me miss so much and want so much. I loved being a midwife, I loved almost all aspects of the job, not quite all of it, but seriously who likes every single part of their job. You see scenes like the one featured in last nights program and they were probably the hardest aspects of the job. But when you can all band together and get a happy ending then you feel relief and empowerment. You helped that woman, you helped to save that baby.

 Last night on OBEM there was what I can only describe as the truest shoulder dystocia I have ever seen. I have seen a few in my time, and one was similar, but not identical to that featured on the channel four program, and it was awfully difficult to watch. It took me back, to standing an operating theatre, watching everything unfold, doing what you can and having only the smallest margin of time. When you are in that situation time has the ability to both stand still and shoot past simultaneously. You are watching the clock and trying your best, doing everything you can. You are calling other doctors, getting new equipment, setting up transport incubators, calling for as much help as you can, the more hands the better. There is a routine that is worked through in order of the least to the most invasive procedure. The further down the list you get, the more desperate the situation feels. First they attempt the McRobert's manoeuvre, this involves laying the woman flat on her back and bringing her knees up to her chest to the point that her ankles can almost touch her ears. This widens the pelvis and flattens the spine and in all but two of the shoulder dystocia deliveries I witnessed this worked. It didn't for this poor woman in last nights episode. They then tried the next two manoeuvre's to no avail and finally succeeded in delivering the posterior shoulder first by manually pulling out the arm. Strangely enough the delievery that I witnessed that was most similar to this one (although not quite as extreme) was also a large baby (which they often are in this situation) delivered via forceps. In my opinion (might I stress here that I don't work as a midwife and my training stops at the basic midwifery level, the people making these decisions are doctors with a great deal more experience) if you think you have a large baby that isn't delivering vaginally don't try it, just do a section.But then again I have probably witnessed forceps deliveries of other large babies but they didn't stick in my mind.

Programs like OBEM and "call the midwife" make me miss it so much. Being there in that moment when a new life enters the world is the most amazing feeling and you are so privileged to be a part of it. Sure I have been sworn at, swung at and had various different things thrown at me but it's always worth it! O well, just another thing this crappy disease has taken from me. At least I have my little girl now and she is a super star.

Speaking of, the other thing that this type of program makes me want is another baby. Strange, that. I cannot tell you how much I hated being pregnant. I was ill the whole time and both my M.E and FM were worse throughout the whole thing. I had many complications that resulted in a bleed in theatre but Niamh is more worth it than anything ever could be and I would go through it ten times worse just to have her. I have always said that I don't want Niamh to be alone. I want a brother or sister for her I just don't want to have to be pregnant again! I will do it though, so she doesn't have to be alone. Programs like OBEM remind me what you get at the end, the tiny cute-ness of it all. Niamh is still beautiful, wonderful, cute and so, so funny but I think the older they get the more you forget what having a newborn is like!

There's another program on the BBC called "protecting our children" and it remind's me of how much I DON'T miss being a social worker. Sure, you can go home at the end of the day knowing that you have done something good (most of the time) but almost everyday there is a lingering doubt. That child you are worried about but because you have to follow regulations, prove certain things you can't do anything for the moment. That niggling feeling that maybe you missed something, or even if you didn't what happens if something happens to that child within the next 24 hours, you will get the blame. The burden is too great, the stigma too much and try as you might you can never protect everyone. I liked knowing I was a advocate for someone who couldn't speak for or up for themselves. I liked knowing that I could help people and make a difference. There were clearly aspects of the job that made me proud, made be feel like I have done something right. But there were far too many I felt negatively about.

Anyway that's it for today!

Ciao!

Intro - A bit about me!

Hello there!

I'm Jexxy, this is not my only blog. There are three main area's to my life. Firstly I am a wife and mother. Secondly I have M.E/CFS and Fibromyalgia, these diseases don't rule my life but they are a big part of it as it does affect every little thing I do. Thirdly I am massively opinionated! So this is why I have two blogs. This one, focuses on me, my thoughts, my feeling's and my opinions on things. Not just what is going on directly in my personal life, but things relating to motherhood, to my diseases, the news and to every aspect of society. Just really things that interest me (or more often than not things that just plain annoy me!). The other blog focuses on my life with as a parent with M.E and the issues surrounding that! If you're interested this is it http://jexxy-niamhmeandme.blogspot.com/

I want to get another thing clear. I really don't want to offend anyone with what I say on here. So will state now that everything I write is quite simply my opinion, my view on things, from where I stand, according to my religion and to my morals and it is no more or less valid than anyone else's. So in advance I am sorry for any offence that may occur but please know that it was never my intention.

So, before I begin boring you all here's a bit more about me. When I'm well enough I'm a goth, it's a bit time and energy consuming and with my skin sensitivity I have been forced to live in mainly tracksuits since October! Bleugh! Occasionally I'm well enough to wear make up or normal clothes and it's then I feel my best. So basically I am now just a bit alternative more than a full blown goth, and I like it that way, it's much less effort! I like all kinds of music, I like lyric's and I think they are so important. Although my favourite genres would have to be metal and rock you'll find every type on my ipod! I'm a HUGE TV fan, but can't concentrate long enough for films so if I have it in my DVD collection it's either part of a TV series or a film I REALLY wanted to see. Although at the moment I appear to spend a large portion of my day watching C-beebies whilst playing with my daughter. I love computers and do a lot of social networking as often it is my only contact with the world. Follow me on twitter @Crapgoth. I like reading, any good author, but has to be either imaginative of well researched! I also (clearly) enjoy writing. It has always been a way to get my feelings out and make my thoughts known. I may not even be any good at it. But I don't care! I am well educated, GCSE's, A-levels, a diploma (Social Work) and a degree (Midwifery) but due to my health I can't (probably won't ever be able to) work as either. Sucks, but there is always hope. I try to have a positive attitude where I can, no matter what is going on. I am very empathic and I believe this is one of the reason I chose both Midwifery and Social Work as my careers. It is also the reason that I am so very opinionated!

Anyway think that's the basics about me. I'm not going to rant at you about anything today!!

Ciao!